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Tanier’s Team Reviews: The Kansas City Chiefs, via Todd Haley (Shutdown Corner)

Any website can post "offseason grades" for NFL teams, mixing the draft and free agency into transaction soup, then straining it through the mind of some sportswriter who doesn't know who half the players are. Only the Shutdown Corner has the resources to get actual players, coaches, and executives from each team to evaluate their own offseasons! That's right: over the next few weeks, you will get transaction evaluations straight from the horse's mouths: straight talk about who was signed, who was lost, who was drafted, and why. (For the satirically challenged: all player, coach, and executive remarks are made by an impersonator). In this segment, former Chiefs coach Todd Haley breaks down the offseason moves of the team that fired him at the end of last season. We have a bad feeling about this. TODD HALEY: Wash your windshield, mister? I don't scrub windshields for the money. I have a coaching job now as offensive coordinator for the Steelers. I carry this slop bucket because I like it. It's comforting to wash windows while the mad clown stares at me with his dead, gray eyes, whispering razor truths mortals dare not speak aloud, truths that pierce flesh and cut an inky scarlet line against the throat of the he-goat … Sorry, my thoughts meander sometimes. The Chiefs had a productive offseason. At the skill positions, they added Peyton Hillis to a running back committee that already includes Dexter McCluster and Jamaal Charles, who is ahead of schedule rehabbing his knee injury. Kevin Boss joins Tony Moeaki, also on schedule to return from a knee injury, to give the Chiefs two tight ends who can block and catch. Two rookie wide receivers, Devon Wylie and Junior Hemingway, will provide extra depth behind Dwayne Bowe, Steve Breaston, and last year's top pick Jonathan Baldwin, who started to come on late in the season. Matt Cassel, yet another player who missed much of last season with injuries, won't have to worry about throwing to the likes of Keary Colbert or Anthony Becht. That's right, everyone gets to come back to Kansas City but me, the guy who got blamed for not being able to build an offense around Tyler Palko and Terrance Copper, while the dead-eyed clown stares back at me from the mirror and cackles. "You ever played cornhole with the devil, son?" he asks, his raspy voice a rusty hypodermic needle scraping gutter concrete. "He don't use no beanbags, boy." And that he-goat just brays and brays like he sees the end coming and don't know whether to fight it or welcome it. Moving on to the defense, Dontari Poe was one of the most physically gifted specimens in this year's draft class. The Chiefs have a bad habit of striking out with big defensive tackles, from Ryan Sims to Glenn Dorsey, so my former assistant Romeo Crennel will have to be careful about Poe's development and role if he doesn't want Poe to become an overpriced space-eater the greasepaint smears and the sharpened steel glints in the pickup truck headlights behind the barnyard. The loss of Brandon Carr is going to hurt at cornerback, because Stanford Routt is an adequate #2 corner behind Brandon Flowers. But the defense will be better if it is not  on the field as often, and when the muffled brays fade to pitch-black silence, vengeful darkness sated all-too-briefly by the still-quivering sacrifice .

 

Benson, McAllister Worthy New Orleans Saints Hall of Fame Inductees: Fan's Opinion (Yahoo! Contributor Network)

New Orleans Saints Hall of Fame

 

Pasquarelli: Pittsburgh completes overdue overhaul of O-line (The SportsXchange)

With quarterback Ben Roethlisberger now 30, and the team's most valuable player sacked an average of 43.5 times over the last six seasons -- including 40 or more sacks in all but one of those campaigns, and coming off an ankle injury last year -- Pittsburgh has drastically retooled its blocking unit.

 

Around the League: USFL to become NFL minor leagues? (The SportsXchange)

Some of the discussion at Tuesday's league meeting is expected to focus on the resurrected USFL, which is being reconstituted as a "feeder" or minor league, and on how involved the NFL should be with it. Former NFL executive Jim Steeg, who once presided over Super Bowl preparations, is chairman of the USFL's board of advisors, and that could give it some entre with the NFL.

 

Whisenhunt: QB competition in the Cards (The SportsXchange)

The Cardinals aren't handing anything to quarterback Kevin Kolb entering training camp.

 

Tanier’s Team Reviews: The Seattle Seahawks, via Pete Carroll and Russell Wilson (Shutdown Corner)

Any website can post "offseason grades" for NFL teams, mixing the draft and free agency into transaction soup, then straining it through the mind of some sportswriter who doesn't know who half the players are. Only the Shutdown Corner has the resources to get actual players, coaches, and executives from each team to evaluate their own offseasons! That's right: over the next few weeks, you will get transaction evaluations straight from the horse's mouths: straight talk about who was signed, who was lost, who was drafted, and why. (For the satirically challenged: all player, coach, and executive remarks are made by an impersonator). In this segment, Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll breaks down his team's offseason moves. PETE CARROLL: What an awesome day! The sun is shining! The birds are chirping! Let me give a shout out to all the folks at The Circle Perk coffee shop for working so hard to keep all of us energized! And to all the crossing guards making sure kids get to school safely! And to the Seattle-area sewer workers: you guys are the thin line that separates good citizens from their own filth, and I cannot thank you enough! Fans really need to get amped about our three-way quarterback battle. The front-runner is Matt Flynn, who got America totally stoked in that awesome Packers-Lions game in Week 17. Next, there's rookie Russell Wilson, who is short but fiery. Isn't that right, Russell? RUSSELL WILSON: Grrrrrr... PETE CARROLL: I love this kid! He's like a feral cat! And finally, there's Tarvaris Jackson, the Taylor Hicks of NFL quarterbacks. You don't like him, you keep expecting him to lose, and then bang! He finds a way to win a starting job, if not many games. But enough about the offense. Let's talk defense!! We are going to have one of the best front sevens in the NFL!! Defensive tackle Jason Jones had a great, if quiet, season for the Titans last year. First-round pick Bruce Irvin may have seemed like a reach, but that is only because West Virginia had this crazy idea that a 245-pound speedster was a good fit at defensive end. I like my defensive ends Red Bryant-sized! When I am not being enthusiastic about everything, you can find me in my office drawing up creative defenses, and Irvin is going to be everywhere the offense doesn't expect him to be!!! Irvin and Wilson had awesome rookie camps. In fact, all of the rookies had awesome camps, as did our parking lot attendants and the people who work so hard to make sure the office wastebaskets are clean enough to guzzle energy drink out of!! Let me dedicate my Song of the Day to the rookies: "Dog Days are Over" by Florence + the Machine! That's right: I'm a 60-year old man who listens to Florence + the Machine!!! Nicky Minaj, too! And don't forget Ke$ha, who is tiny and has a nasty attitude, just like Russell Wilson!!! RUSSELL WILSON: Grrrr… PETE CARROLL: Excellent growling, buddy!!

 

Tanier’s Team Reviews: The Arizona Cardinals, via Kevin Kolb (Shutdown Corner)

Any website can post "offseason grades" for NFL teams, mixing the draft and free agency into transaction soup, then straining it through the mind of some sportswriter who doesn't know who half the players are. Only the Shutdown Corner has the resources to get actual players, coaches, and executives from each team to evaluate their own offseasons! That's right: over the next few weeks, you will get transaction evaluations straight from the horse's mouths: straight talk about who was signed, who was lost, who was drafted, and why. (For the satirically challenged: all player, coach, and executive remarks are made by an impersonator). In this segment, Cardinals quarterback (at least for now) Kevin Kolb breaks down the Arizona Cardinals' offseason moves. KEVIN KOLB: Howdy folks. Don't mind me. I'm just tyin' a few flies, polishin' up the outboard motor, gettin' ready to hit the lake. Goin' fishin' right after we're done. It won't take long, 'cuz the Cardinals didn't do much this offseason. We didn't get a new quarterback for one thing. Sure, the team chased Peyton Manning, but that was one big river bass with a lot of fight in him. So the quarterback job is mine to lose. And don't you worry, I'm gonna lose it. It's not that John Skelton is any better than me: he may have led just as many fourth-quarter comebacks as Tim Tebow last year (four), but only city slickers and TV blowhards in fancy suits pay attention to those cow chips. I just have no idea what to do in the pocket. So the third or fourth time I roll to my right and get dragged down by Aldon Smith or somebody, Coach Whisenhunt's gonna decide it's time to cut some fresh bait. I know Larry Fitzgerald's happy about our new second receiver, Malcolm Floyd. Floyd liked to hit the honky-tonks in college, but he's a big guy, and when he wants to be, he can be as fast as a boar gettin' flushed by three hound dogs.

 

11 value picks to remember for August (National Football Post)

An early look at the market has these players undervalued entering the summer.

 

Cardinals sign DE Cohen, reach roster limit (The Associated Press)

TEMPE, Ariz. (AP) The Arizona Cardinals have signed defensive end Landon Cohen, a move that puts the team at its roster limit of 90.

 

Cardinals add DE Cohen (Pro Football Weekly)

The Cardinals have agreed to a contract with free agent DE Landon Cohen.